I figure that, given the huge sum of money im spending here (15k!), i should just stop whining and start being open, enjoy and make full use of this experience. But i couldnt help but think that maybe it would be better if i had gone to a better school for exchange, somewhere in the city perhaps, where it is more vibrant and there's more things to do ( like shopping, dancing etc). Places like San Francisco, Los Angeles, or New York...Not this boring little small town. Some people like the laid-back atmosphere here, but i dont. Im a big-city person. I like noise, not quietness. So what am i doing over here?
The Tv is my greatest entertainment. The internet is my avenue for connection. My 2 soft toys (honey and rabbit) are my only source of comfort. My ipod is my faithful companion. The textboks are something i read to pass time...It sounds like such a boring lonely life!
But thankfully, im slowly starting to get used to it and enjoy it. Knowing more people here helps. And it's good that im less homesick now, but i still miss jiang terribly. My sleeping schedule totally revolves around him - i will sleep at 11plus 12 while waiting for him to get home from school, and then wake up at 6plus in the morning to talk to him, before going back to sleep till 9plus 10am and then wake up for school.
Anyway, school is starting to get hectic. There's really no time to slack because we have like 2-3 lectures a week for each course, so once you are behind, it's really hard to catch up. Not to mention assignments due almost every other day, and pop quizzes. Yar, pop quiz. This is only the second week of school and i just had my first pop quiz. Fortunately, because this place is so boring, i had no choice but to study so i was fully prepared for this surprise quiz.
Looking forward to the weekend in San Francisco, till then, ciao!
Labels: hear me whine
I have been in US for a week already...is it fast? i dont know. It seems like time is creeping by slowly, yet it also seems like i just arrived yesterday. Anyhow, i hope this will be a fulfilling trip. And it's only now that i realize how much my family, jiang and friends mean to me.
I was thinking and thinking and i discovered i've taken a lot of things for granted. Even when im home, im either in my room doing my own work or i'd be online. How often do i actually sit down and talk to my parents and spend time with them? I made an effort to visit my grandparents at least once a week, but when i get there, im always watching tv, do i really talk to them and show concern for them? No. I dont really interact much with them when im in Singapore, then now im crying about missing them! I have been taking their presence for granted, and i do enjoy the feeling of knowing they are just around me, but have i shown it? No i didnt.
So when i go back to Singapore, im gonna let them know how much i appreciate them and how my miserable my life would be without them, like now.
Does missing home terribly mean that im not independent and cant survive on my own?
Labels: hear me whine
hello my dear friends, do you all miss me?
i certainly do miss home. i have been crying every night because im homesick, how silly is that! Everyone who i know loves their exchange, they love the travelling and i havent heard of anyone feeling homesick. Yet, here i am, barely a week since i left home, missing home super terribly and crying like a baby. i send jiang and my parents a million emails a day (thank god the hotel has free wireless) and im so happy whenever i see my friends online and talk to them. I wonder how am i going to survive the next 3 months? hopefully when school starts, i will be kept busy and wont have the time to feel homesick anymore. I hate this feeling!
anyway, tmr is my last day in LA before i depart to Santa Cruz for school. Will upload the pictures after i've settled down.
Miss you all
love,
ching
PS: thanks my dear taitais for the nice photoalbum and for sending me off early in the morning :) and thanks jiang for dedicating so much time to me before i leave. I love you all <3
Labels: hear me whine
This is my worst semester ever :( I have never seen so many ugly Bs in my exam results before..
Did extremely badly, that horrible B that pulled me down so much. But its understandable, i know this module is not one that i can score , right from the day i got back my first assignment i already knew. However, i really enjoyed the module and i thought i will just do my best. I have no grudge against the grade, though i wished i have done better. I have the knowledge, but i guess i lack the critical thinking involved. Too bad, im a mugger and not a thinker.
As for the other two lousy grades, it really came as a surprise. I thought i did well. I studied hard, and i thought the paper was pretty easy. Ok, maybe it's too easy such that everyone does well and my usual carelessness put me into a disadvantage. And i thought i did pretty well for my lab report, except for a few errors, everything else was ok. The prof said my intro and discussion were good. So why didnt i get at least an A-? Did the assignments and presentation pull me down? Or was it because it was a small class of 15 such that it's harder to get an A cos it's now not relative performance that counts, but absolute performance, thus i have no others to buffer my grades except my own performance? I really didnt understand why i didnt do well for these 2 modules :(
For all these 5 semesters in NUS, except for Jiang, i never ever tell anyone my exact grades or cap unless they asked. Even when people asked, i would just give general comments like "i did ok" or "i screwed up". When i do well, i dont dare tell too many people because i dont want it to seem like im arrogant. And it's also because im afraid of the expectations, it stresses me. When i got second in arts in year 1, i didnt go around telling everyone. I tried to keep hush about it, but somehow people knew. And they say im smart, say im zai...it gives me a lot of pressure to maintain my performance because i know deep down, im not smart, im just diligent. And it also creates higher expectations which leads to greater disappointments when i fail.
When i do badly, i find it hard to complain to others. Because i know i have different expectations from other people. I expect perfection or near perfection. I cant complain to anyone about my results because it is really good results to most people and they will probably jump for joy when they get my results. But not me. I studied very hard and i wanted more. And it'll probably make people fail bad when i complain about what is supposedly good grades for them.
In any case, i feel like ranting about my result this time because it's really so bad. Emotional expression helps people feel better. I used to write in my diary last time but ever since i have Jiang and this blog i stopped updating because i can now confide in Jiang and keep a record of meaningful events in my life with pictures on this blog. I had whined to jiang about my results yesterday, but somehow i feel like whining again today.
I got the full range from B to A+ this time. Oh well. Jiang had already cheered me up. And it's no use crying over spilled milk. I will just work harder in my final year, i cant let my 3 years of efforts go down the drain during my last year. Meanwhile, i shall just enjoy my no-stress 3 months in the states next year!
Labels: hear me whine
Im really stressed and tired and behind in my schoolwork and feeling lousy about myself. I hate it when i keep screwing up for myself and others. I hate it when i reach home past midnight and couldnt get enough sleep. I hate it when i doze off during lectures and couldnt understand a thing the lecturer is saying because i didnt have time to read the text before lecture. I hate it when i fail to meet the expectations of the choreographer and myself. I know i can do it. I know i can. But sometimes i just don't have the energy, sometimes i missed my lines. And the most annoying thing is that i know i could have done better yet i didnt. I want to put up a good show, i really do. It's probably the last performance i would be involved in before i return to being a full-time student focused on getting my first class hons. And it's the first time i have friends here to support me, the first time i feel confident enough to ask them to come watch me, and i dont want to end up disappointing them. Most important of all, i dont want to let myself down. I want to look at the video after the concert and feel proud of myself, not pissed off at myself for looking bad. I want to be able to show it to everyone and tell them that i was involved in such a wonderful concert and i performed well in it.
Im really really tired, and the next 3 days are going to be even more so. Much as i hate the process, i know that at the end of the day, i will be proud to be part of it and i will still want to go through all these torture and do this all over again. It's gonna be worth it. And to make it worth it, i must really do my best.
Labels: dance, hear me whine
argh, i'm so unproductive, keep procrastinating. im tired of studying. i need motivation.
i've decided that i shall reward myself with a tiffany & co. necklace if i meet my expectations. is that a big enough motivation? but given how high my expectations are, i highly doubt i would ever get that reward. In fact, given my expectations, i suppose it's impossible. Yes, my expectations are that high, so high that i'm too embarrased to tell anyone about it. Only Jiang knows, and i bet he's laughing at me secretly for ever daring to entertain such a thought.
Motivation! Argh!
Labels: hear me whine
boo, im bored :(
Jiang is having his exams so we seldom see each other anymore. And we cant talk much on the phone too.
My exam will start in, let's see, 3 weeks time. And im already sick of reading the textbooks so many times.
After this saturday, the girls and I wouldnt be going out for nice meals anymore.
Boo hoo, i feel so deprived of life :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
So many things to look forward to after exams! Hanabi, California, Blast! camp, Macaron, Christmas...
Hang on, just one more month!
Labels: hear me whine
im feeling so grouchy again. Supposed to run yesterday, but i was tired, so i told myself i would run today. Then when i woke up today, i decided to laze in bed a little longer, and yes, i didnt run again.
And my reasons for not running?
On sunday night, i dreamt that i was running in a 2.4km race and came in third. Then i woke up and realised it was time for my monday run. I looked out the window and thought it look like it was going to run. Well, maybe, i shouldnt run and risk getting caught in the rain. To justify a little further, maybe running in the dreams helped. Maybe my body got tricked into thinking that i did run and burn all those fats. Jiang laughed and said that was impossible. But doesnt it sound so good? If only running in the dreams is the same as running in real life, then all we need to do is just dream about running...
As for today, i really didnt feel like running. And since im not gonna eat any good food this week, i decided that i shall not run for this week. My new plan: only run on the days that im eating good food!
That being said, im so moody now because im feeling fat. My mom bought a dozen madeleine's portuguese egg tarts last night, and guess how many i ate? 5! oh gosh.
and now i have to force myself to read the stupid health psy textbook. the textbk is such a bitch. it's so damn boring and confusing. argh, why did i even take this module in the first place!
Labels: hear me whine
It's just one of those days when i couldnt concentrate on anything because my brain is busy thinking about food. All the nice places that i want to go, i dun care if it's expensive even though im pretty broke now. I just want to eat!!! And what really gets on my nerves is that exam is just next week and so i couldnt really go out and eat nice food even though i really want to! And Jiang doesnt want to go on fine dining with me anymore cos he claims that he's poor. So i need dining buddies!!!
I wanna go honjin for japanese buffet, mezza9 for high tea, da paolo for pizza, jaan for lunch, oosh for japanese, say cheezecake for cheesecake, Melt for buffet and so many so many more!!!
My dearest girls, please feel free to date me anytime after 30th july!!!(omg, im so pathetic i have to ask for lunch/dinner dates on my blog!)
Labels: hear me whine
I can foresee having NO LIFE for the next few weeks.
First, my exam is in 2 weeks!!! Because the class size is so small and we are subjected to the bell curve, it is pretty hard to get an A. But i MUST get an A, i cant get anything below that or i would be super devastated. That's the whole point of doing special sem, to get my much needed A to pull up my cap. Im not paying $611 per module for anything less than that. So now im pretty stressed. 2 papers in just two weeks!!! That means no going out, no social life- mugging is my new pastime.
Second, im involved in Dancetitude and busking. So dance shedule is pretty tight, especially when we dont have much time left to prepare for busking and Dancetitude isnt too far away too. This week has been so tiring, dancing almost every night and returning home at midnight, and dont even get to have my 9 hours of sleep anymore. But im not really complaining, havent danced in quite some time and it's really a good opportunity for me to learn from Candy and Lina. Im so in love with Candy's choreo, its so damn nice! Hopefully i can catch the groove and do some justice to her item. Now Tyra's country boy and the steps to it are stuck in my head.
And lastly, im like tutoring 3 students now. Im quite bored of tutoring already, feel like giving up, but it would be really irresponsible of me to do so, especially when their exams are not very far away.
Some here i am, student in the day, dancer at night, and tutor in the weekend. Whoa, i just realize i have 3 occupations now! And yes, totally no social life.
Sometimes i really regret taking special sem.While others enjoy their long holidays going on overseas trips to places like Hong Kong, Taiwan, Europe etc or slacking or earning extra income, im mugging like crazy in sunny small Singapore and spending my days at old ugly NUS. And i dont even have time to shop or hang out with friends! BOO HOO~ Im just gonna study study study and more study!
Thank god there's only 2 more weeks of special sem, after which i would have a much deserved one wk break before i start getting stressed for the new semester again.*sigh*
2 more weeks to go!
Labels: hear me whine
It's early in the morning and im feeling so super lazy, but i gonna go teach tuition now. I dont want to!!! I just want to laze on my bed and read my book :(
But i need the cash, *sobz* so im gonna get my ass off the chair right now.
it will be over soon :X
Labels: hear me whine
Been sick the past few days :(
Supposed to be at Corduory & Finch with Jiang and go for Claire's class at jitterbugs after that. But instead, im sleeping and sweating at home. I dont even know if i can go for blast tomorrow. Really hate being sick, spoilt all my plans, hrmph!
And the doctor gave me so many pills!Think im going to develop a phobia of swallowing pills very soon, urgh.
Labels: hear me whine
This has got to be the worst day of my life, i swear i had never been so frantic before in my life. Haha if you are bored enough, then read on to see what happened to me.
First, after my econs paper, i went YIH for lunch. Wanted to have subway, but the queue was disgustingly long. Seriously, i haven seen such long and terrible queue at subway except for the 10cents sandwich day. And it's not just Subway, everywhere else was packed. So in the end i had to make do with tuna sandwich from Cheers which tasted worse than shit.
Secondly, i had about an hour before my next paper but all the study rooms were full and i couldnt even find a proper place to sit down and read my notes. And i was so super tired after my first paper(the chicken essence inthe morning obviously didnt help). After much grumbling and emitting the most no. of vulgarities per minute in my life, i finally found a nice little sofa. I was very tired and decided to take a nap(studies showed that a 20min nap enhances concentration and productivity).
And when i was taking out my phone from my bag, i realised that my bottle leaked and all my stuff were wet. I wanted to curse, but decided i had sweared enough in a day. Thank god my notes were not in my bag.
Just when i was about to doze off, my phone's alarm rang, signaling the end of my nap time. And i had to rush down for the exam. But i was still very tired so i decided to buy some coffee (first time i bought coffee to perk myself up!).BAD IDEA. I was delayed while buying the coffee and that means i had greater trouble later!
By the time i rushed down to MPSH, it was terribly crowded and i had to squeeze my way through to my exam venue. I guess i was still blur cos i couldnt find MPSH5! I thought it was on the second floor and to my horror, i couldnt find it! By that time, everyone was already entering the halls. I was so scared i couldnt find the place in time, i called Jiang and cried! (yar, so silly of me)
But luckily, i remembered that i had a school map in my bag, despite it being torn and tattered from the water that leaked from my bag, and managed to find the hall in the end. I was so stupid, it was on the first floor instead of second! Phew, at least i managed to get there in time. If i havent made it, i 'd probably just go to the busiest roads and let the cars run over me a million times.
Labels: hear me whine
Ching Cheng is grumpy. Ching Cheng cant wait for exams to end (even though she only have one week break before she has to start mugging again). Ching Cheng wants to go out with Jiang. Ching Cheng doesnt miss shopping. Ching Cheng misses fine dining more. Ching Cheng wants to eat yummy food everyday. Ching Cheng doesnt care if she gets fat since starving and running make no difference anyway. Ching Cheng wants to go on a holiday. Ching Cheng hates to travel to school. Ching Cheng wants to drive.Ching Cheng misses her best pals. Ching Cheng wants a social life.
Mugging is so boring. Ching Cheng just wants to eat, maybe that will make studying a whole lot better. Even normal food like chicken rice, long john silver, mushroom swiss, hokkein mee etc will make her very happy.
3 more weeks! *sigh*
Labels: hear me whine
Exams start in exactly 3 weeks time!! Oh no, im so stressed cos i feel so unprepared, especially for biopsy. All the bio is really killing me, yet i cant complain to Jiang cos i look at his gigantic textbook and realise that what im learning is only a tiny fraction of what he has to know. But seriously, how on earth do they do it? Anyway, i find myself loving econs more and more so much that i even thought of abandoning my dream of becoming a psychologist to be an economist instead! Not that psy isnt interesting, it is, just that it is more difficult to study for that's all.
And please dont tell me not to worry too much cos im smart. Im not. I have only an average IQ, the only reason i do well is because i mug a shit lot. I know it, that if i dont mug there's no way im gonna to well. I wasnt born with an IQ of a smart ass. I got my results all through diligence and sacrifice. If anyone had put in as much effort as me, he/she could easily have gotten my cap. I sacrifice a social life for my grades. Instead of going out with friends, i opt to go home and mug. Sometimes i complain about not having many friends, but deep down i know it's because i had made it this way, not others. It's not that friends aint importatnt to me, they are. It's just that my studies has always been my top priority. The overwhelming desire to outperform people so i wouldnt be looked down upon has always been my motivation.
Im not a lucky person, i seldom win any lucky draws or contest. Therefore i never gamble cos i know i will lose every cent i put on the table. I know i cannot depend on luck for any achievements, that's the way it is, and that's why i have to work harder than anyone.
I may not have a fairy godmother who blesses me with a brain of a genius or looks of an angel, but at least i know that i deserve all i have cos i earned it through hard work and not just luck. I used to think that having many friends is good, but now i decided that just having a few true friends is enough. So, to my childhood friends - Zhen, Mad, Cindy, Han, Pj, Jas- it's amazing how we have maintained our friendship and keep it alive and strong for almost 10 years already. Notwithstanding the fact that we are all busy and seldom get to see each other, the familiarity and closeness never fades. Thanks girls, i know i always have you all to count on :)
Meanwhile, im gonna devote the rest of the month to my books. I must do well, i must. And i have nothing to depend on except my hard work.
Labels: hear me whine
Im suffering from bouts of depression and inferiority-complex again. dont ask why, maybe its just pms. But i really lost a large fraction of my self confidence now. I look at myself and realize in horror how fat i am but that still doesnt deter me from reaching for snacks and chocolates and hating myself after that for my lack of self-control and discipline. I dont dare look inside the mirror and see the ugly freak that i've transformed into. Im bad at everything i do. I cant do sports, i cant dance, i cant play the piano and im not even sure if i can maintain my grades anymore, the ONLY thing that im satisfactory in. Im a bad girlfriend, a bad daughter and a bad friend. I simply suck at everything.
I look at the world around me and everyone seems to have everything. But well, maybe i shouldnt compare so much and appreciate what i have. Still, i cant help but be overwhelmed with envy. Why cant i be prettier, smarter, richer, more capable and popular?
Dont mind me. Just ignore me. I dont need any consolations cos i wouldnt buy it anyway. Just know that im not usually like that. I will get over it and regain my big ego again.
Labels: hear me whine
Sick.All the dancing, studying, travelling and late nights are finally taking a toll on me. I hardly get a decent rest nowadays as im always worried about stuff, thinking...
I need one good day at home to rejuvenate. And unfortunately it wouldnt be anytime soon :(
Labels: hear me whine
