Did extremely badly, that horrible B that pulled me down so much. But its understandable, i know this module is not one that i can score , right from the day i got back my first assignment i already knew. However, i really enjoyed the module and i thought i will just do my best. I have no grudge against the grade, though i wished i have done better. I have the knowledge, but i guess i lack the critical thinking involved. Too bad, im a mugger and not a thinker.
As for the other two lousy grades, it really came as a surprise. I thought i did well. I studied hard, and i thought the paper was pretty easy. Ok, maybe it's too easy such that everyone does well and my usual carelessness put me into a disadvantage. And i thought i did pretty well for my lab report, except for a few errors, everything else was ok. The prof said my intro and discussion were good. So why didnt i get at least an A-? Did the assignments and presentation pull me down? Or was it because it was a small class of 15 such that it's harder to get an A cos it's now not relative performance that counts, but absolute performance, thus i have no others to buffer my grades except my own performance? I really didnt understand why i didnt do well for these 2 modules :(
For all these 5 semesters in NUS, except for Jiang, i never ever tell anyone my exact grades or cap unless they asked. Even when people asked, i would just give general comments like "i did ok" or "i screwed up". When i do well, i dont dare tell too many people because i dont want it to seem like im arrogant. And it's also because im afraid of the expectations, it stresses me. When i got second in arts in year 1, i didnt go around telling everyone. I tried to keep hush about it, but somehow people knew. And they say im smart, say im zai...it gives me a lot of pressure to maintain my performance because i know deep down, im not smart, im just diligent. And it also creates higher expectations which leads to greater disappointments when i fail.
When i do badly, i find it hard to complain to others. Because i know i have different expectations from other people. I expect perfection or near perfection. I cant complain to anyone about my results because it is really good results to most people and they will probably jump for joy when they get my results. But not me. I studied very hard and i wanted more. And it'll probably make people fail bad when i complain about what is supposedly good grades for them.
In any case, i feel like ranting about my result this time because it's really so bad. Emotional expression helps people feel better. I used to write in my diary last time but ever since i have Jiang and this blog i stopped updating because i can now confide in Jiang and keep a record of meaningful events in my life with pictures on this blog. I had whined to jiang about my results yesterday, but somehow i feel like whining again today.
I got the full range from B to A+ this time. Oh well. Jiang had already cheered me up. And it's no use crying over spilled milk. I will just work harder in my final year, i cant let my 3 years of efforts go down the drain during my last year. Meanwhile, i shall just enjoy my no-stress 3 months in the states next year!
Labels: hear me whine
posted by dreamz @ 8:42 AM
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