Candy Floss Dreamz: November 2009

November 19, 2009

After all these, i'm beginning to question if this is what i want. I'm still happy, but at the same time, i feel bitter & unmoved. Maybe it's the unpredictability, the inconsistency, or the insecurity. Try as i might, i still cant get over it. We've been through this over and over again and i myself am starting to feel tired of the discussions and arguments with no satisfying solution. I seriously don't see how the problem can go away. We can control our behavior, but we cant' control our emotions and our thoughts. But until the unconscious is changed, the problem can never be resolved. Maybe i should learn to accept it, but sometimes i wonder, why should I? It's not my fault. I'm more than willing to change my bad habits, but is it reasonable to ask me to change my values? No, i don't think so. And since we can't get past that, i don't know what else can be done.

Sometimes i wonder, am i forcing something that's just not right? We have been trying so hard to make it work, but is it even meant to be in the first place? I envy others because i can't objectively see my own situation right now. Others may envy me, think it's so sweet and perfect and don't understand what i'm complaining about. But i feel terrible. It's not what it used to be, not what i thought it'd be...It used to be so simple, but it has become so complicated now i don't know how to cope with it.

I cry so much more easily nowadays. I cry because im touched by what others have, and im very disappointed and jaded because i would have this blissfulness too if not for this. I still feel the passion and everything...but there's this voice at the back of my head saying that this is not right, this may not last. All the nice things don't mean much to me anymore, because i no longer feel special. I feel it would have been the same had it been someone else, not just me.

Or maybe i should just close one eye and be happier...maybe things are not so bad, maybe i'm just expecting too much...